The beginning of the end.

For awhile now a lot of stuff has been thrown at me. I've been able to quite successfully dodge or take the challenges head on. I've been fighting for my right of life but here lately a switch inside me has turned off, I'm beginning to shut down. I don't think I keep up my fighting much more. A life that is devoted to trying to find the silver lining and enjoy itself is coming to an end. I'm forced to live a happy life with ever dawning stipulation of being forced to spend every other weekend with my dad. I've fought it a long time but my fighting is only making me sick. My fairy tales evil plot is taking over. Many might wonder what I'm going to do if I stop fighting. Well. I'm gonna go numb. Consider it like a coma. I'll endure it till im 18 and then hopefully ill get to take my walk back into sunlight. If only life were a bit more fair and less resolute. the realization of what I'm going to do makes me sad but when your told day in and day out that the feelings you have of hatred towards your father aren't real and that your over reacting, it begins to make you mad. Being mad wont solve your problems and I've come to the conclusion that I just need to give up. It's time to stop fighting. It's time to just endure it and hope you come out unscathed. It's the only thing I have left. It's my last stand. Im done.

Dear Boys Like Girls

Ugh so my favorite band boys like girls is coming out with there 3rd Cd soon but it is taking them FOREVER. Granted once they come out with the CD they are planning on breaking up which that in itself is very sad :( but I still want that new Cd to come out. It's been over 3 years now! Geeze!

Cough Cough Attack

So I have been getting cough attacks a lot lately. Well you know how sometimes you cough and you just can't stop. Well I've been getting those a lot but mine get tithe point where I end up crying and can barley breath. It's just a continuous tickle in the back of my throat that won't go away. Cough drops don't help and neither does drinking any type of liquid. Sigh.

My Friend Haley

So my friend Haley was in a car accident and I'm do scared and worried about her. She is doing pretty good considering. She has a shattered pelvis and a compound fracture to the wrist. Her bladder was punctured in 3-4 places and her liver was lacerated. She has some broken ribs. Her bladder and kidney were fixed. She has some external fixations to fix her wrist and pelvis. She will have surgery again monday and probably another one later on this week. She is talking though she is still in critical condition but slowly and surely she will get better it just may take her awhile. I can't help but worry about her and really hope she gets better.

I Just Don't Know

Sigh

I don't know how to word my feelings right now. I really don't want to go to my dads this weekend. No joke I actually feel like I'm going to cry. I can't handle going to his house anymore. I have to bottle up how much I hate it and how much it upsets me and it's actually beginning to make me feel sick. I feel like I'm going to throw up when I go to his house. It just makes me do unhappy to be there and be around him. Only 232 more days tho so that's a plus. That's what I'm trying to do is think of the good things and I'm doing a lot of stuff to keep myself occupied and not to think of the fact that I'm there. I don't know what's going on with me it almost scares me. I only hope this Is a part of the me being depressed thing. That would explain so much. Hopefully I'm not just deluding myself into thinking that tho...

Computer? Do you You Work?

Well obviously it works I mean I'm writing good nice blogs instead of my crappy ones I do on my phone. Well anyway my computer wasn't working there for awhile because it wouldn't charge. So now I'm using a hair tie to keep my charger cord connected to it and charging. Go me! :)

Wedding bells

So the winner that I am force to call a brother came home over break. Well why he was home he had dinner with his family, went and saw his friends anddd got married. Yaaaa I would just like to say DUMB ASSS! Seriously cant that kid come home and have a normal god damn visit. No he has to go marry a girl that he not only thought he was related to but he was also only dating her for only a week. And yet I cant help but be happy that hes married to her and not that whore we call Charlotte. Congrats bro. I'm one of the few who's happy for you and yet we hate each other, odd.

I Got Me Some Haters In Art Class

You remember when I wrote about starring when your mad? Well those mad staring people are in my ceramics class. Yep don't I feel lucky. First off theres this chick in there that doesn't like me just because her boyfriend would rather be with me then her. Sound like she has a bad case of sour grapes but she should be happy because I don't like her boyfriend like that. If I did, he would be with me. Anyways theres also one of Lardos clones in there. She only hates me because Lardo hates me. Then there's this one chick who hate me because i told her she was an idiot for getting pregnant, well she is. Yep Ceramics is just my class of fun.

Starring when Mad

Alright so I know I'm not the most liked person in the world but when it comes to the people who hate me I truly have one main question. Why must you stare at me? Does it help you achieve anything? Are you hoping that lasers are going to shoot out of your eyes and zap me or something? I guess I just don't understand what you can achieve from it, but it does flatter me. If your staring at me so much it must mean I'm doing something you wish you could do. Or maybe its because I'm just so god damn beautiful :)

School Buses

I dislike school buses. Seriously I know I'm 17 and I should be driving and all that crap well I have my permit and I'm getting my license in February but even after i get it that doesn't mean that I get a car which is truly the problem of my demise. Anyway I hate school buses. They upset me. Not only do all the lame annoying kids in are school ride but also it smells weird and i hate having to get up so god damn early to ride the damn bus. ugh

Wearing Shorts in January

All right so I live in Indiana which means that in January its not 90 degrees out side. No its freaking 20 or lower. So when I see idiots walking around in short saying there freezing I just kinda want to hit them in the face. Why the hell are you wearing shorts and t-shirts out when you can see your freaking breath in the air. I feel very strong about this because I fucking hate idiots!

Blogs are for opinions.

As this blog was meant to be kept to just myself and the random stragglers that wonder upon it, it appears others have thought to read it. A blog is a journal, a way of expressing yourself and it's a way for you to tell how you feel about things. I guess though in today's society having an opinion can come at a heavy price. I put something in this blog and I guess it's your right to react to it as you want but if you want that to ruin what you already have then let it. Heaven knows you've been through it before why would you want to put yourself through it again. 

Friends or not?

Ok so maybe I don't understand this. I've always been there for corlee and I've Always tried to help her but today she informs me that she doesn't like to talk to me about stuff. She want a more from me. I think she dosent want to talk to me because I'm not Cassie. Cassie was her best friend and Cassie screwed her over. She dosent understand the same thing happened to me. That's why I don't tell people stuff but she goes on and on about how she has nobody to trust and she needs friends. She has friends and she should trust them ad if she doesn't she should just stop complaining because it's annoying to be told over and over again that you are trustworthy enough to be apart of her life. She just need to stop complaining. 

Only A few More Days

Okay maybe its a bit more then a few but then again this is the year i turb 18 and i wont have to go to dads any more.THANK GOD! 279 days left though. thats soooo freaking long. GGOOOOO FASTER!
egh.

New Year; New Shit.

So I dont entierly know how to feel about the new year yet. Isnt this the year were all suppose to die because the worlds ending and what not. Thats bull if i say so. Well i guess with this year i get to finish off my junior year and start my senior one. Last summer of freedom sort of but im hoping ill have a job. new years reveloution for this year is well i dont know. i kind of want to do the stereo typical ones of lose weight, sleep better, study harder. blah blah blah. i think of something. Or maybe I should just have one thats just enjoy life. dont waist oppurtunitys and be with the people i love as much as possible, seems simple right? but then again its easier said then done. Bleh.

The Depression

So most recently I was diagnosed with depression. Go figure. Lifes just really got to me latley and my thoughts have been very violent but I am glad to say with the break were on and all that things have been alot better but i kind of think its because i dont have to deal with all the stress of school along with my dad and all of that stuff.

Andrews home.

Yep the kids home alright. Well me and Andrew have been fighting for over a year and the one time I try to fix things he's an ass so I swore I wasn't going to talk to him. Well. He came to my grandmas house while I was there and he asked me to talk to him and what not. I don't entirely care for him because he acts like nothing happend but I don't hate him enough to fore long the whole argument. He swears though that he's not coming home untill 2014. I doubt that but egh. Oh well. 

Catch up on life.

Well I've been on winter break for the last two weeks actually. I have to go back to school tomorrow. Lame. Well spent the longest four days of my life at my dads during break but I got a kindle for Christmas so that's a bonus. Spent a few days with the mughmaws... Actually there suppose to be coming over today. Hmm. 

Blog Fever

Alright so it's been a while since I've updated my blog. Which means I'm gonna go blog crazy and post ALOT of stuff. Be prepared.